|Being bored is a time for reflecting...
||[Jan. 12th, 2008|05:25 pm]
And unfortunately, I haven't been bored in a LONG time. Like...years. I mean, really, truly bored. Sure, I've had times where I'm sitting around at home...but only for a couple hours at a time. Then I'm off to another class, or rehearsal, or lesson, or friend's house. But here I am, sitting on the couch for the third day in a row. And right now, I'm okay with that. Maybe because my hormones are all out of whack right now, and really, all I want to do is curl up under my covers and pretend the world doesn't exist. Not go back to school. Not ever work. Nothing. I'll get out of that though. For now, I'm reflecting. Which is good. One should not ever go for YEARS without really reflecting on life. Yet I have. So, here is what I've realized in the past...27 minutes. Since I woke up from my nap and began reflecting.|
I have been very childish about many of my friendships. First of all...I really need to lose my younger friends. I don't have a single younger friend who is really important to me. Except maybe James. But he's a given. Because he's Alyssa's. I've tried to keep in touch with them for so long, when really, I don't care that much. They're just extra baggage. More people that I can say are my friends. But I don't really care about them. So why waste the time or the energy when I can be using that time and energy to make new friends?
Secondly...I have been far too flippant with using the word "love." When it comes to friends, I mean. I've never said it to a significant other. I have told SO many people in my life how much I love them. I still do. I can guarantee you that if I ran into certain people from high school today, I would squeal, "I LOVE YOU!" Although...maybe not anymore. Because I've realized. I really don't love very many people at all. I care deeply about many people. But I only love a select few. Not because they've gone down in my list of people I love. But because I never loved them in the first place. I've tricked myself into loving people. Because I'm a nice person, and it makes me sound nicer to say "I love you" than just "You're fun to hang out with sometimes." Which is really what most of those people are. Fun to hang out with. Sometimes. Now there are those select few people. In my immediate group of friends. Who I really, truly love. And a few people on the outside of that group of friends even. My long time friends. Of course I love them. They've been there through thick and thin. But...that's about it. Anyone else? It's not love. It's a pitiful excuse for a friend. And I've now realized that it doesn't make me sound good to go throwing that word around left and right. It kind of makes me sound like a douche.
Lastly...the BEST friend. Another thing that makes me sound like a douche. "She's one of my best friends." "She's like my best friend." Etc. Best is a term that means the top. The number one. Which means you have ONE of them. And I've realized now, that I DO only have one of them. Until now, I've called countless amounts of people my best friends. No. They're my CLOSE friends. I have a lot of close friends. I'm lucky in that respect. But only ONE best friend. Only ONE maid-of-honor worthy person. I don't even know if I'm that person to anybody. And I'm okay with that. Because I know that it takes a lot of work to get into that coveted position. I can't believe that I've been so naive as to think I had so many best friends. It just makes me sound like I don't value words like "best" and "love" at all when I throw them around as I used to. Someone who's opinion I value highly pointed out offhandedly (and kind of passive aggressively) that I use the term "best friend" quite often. Maybe it wasn't his intention in what he said. But he made me realize it. And he's absolutely right. All of this stops. Now. From now on, I use the term best friend when speaking of only one person. Everyone else is close friend. Or friend. Or even, simply, acquaintance. Because I've also realized that so many people who I considered close friends before have become just that. Mere acquaintances. So what? People grow up. And move on. Just like I'm doing.
Time changes everyone. I don't know what brought all these thoughts on. Maybe it's the book I'm reading. Probably. Either way. I'm glad I realized all these things. It's time for me to grow up. Stop using such BIG IMPORTANT words like "best" and "love" like they're going out of style. Stop holding on to people that I don't even need in my life. Start working on new friendships. And preserving the ones that really matter. That's my new years resolution. What's yours?